How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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