How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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