How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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