How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What do Michael Jackson and x-boxs have in common?

They're both plastic and little boys turn them on.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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