How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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