How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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