How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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