How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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