How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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