I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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