I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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