I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

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What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

Stinker Bell.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?

Make America Hate Again.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.

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