I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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