I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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