I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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