I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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