I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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