I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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