"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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