"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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