My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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