"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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