Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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