Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why are kindergarten teachers so good?

They can make little things count.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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