Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run.

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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