So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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