So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What kind of dress can't be worn?

Address.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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