So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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