The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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