There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

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