There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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