What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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