What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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