What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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