What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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