What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.
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