What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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