What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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