What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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