What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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