What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Do you know what the Queen's father was called?

King.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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