What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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