What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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