What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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