What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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