What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.

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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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