What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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