What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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