What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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