What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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