What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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