What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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