What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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