What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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