What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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