What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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