What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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