What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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