What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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