What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

Roosters don't lay eggs!

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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.

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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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