What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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