What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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I’ve never gone to a gun range before.

I decided to give it a shot!
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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