What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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