What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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