What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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