What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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