What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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