What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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