What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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