What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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