What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A cartoon.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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