What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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