What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What is a frog's favorite year?

Leap Year
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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