What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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