What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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