What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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