What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.

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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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