What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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