What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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