What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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