What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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