What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

One; she designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one, and screw itself in.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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